Vaginismus Is A Shitshow, But Doesn't Stop Me From Enjoying Sex

Or: When your heart says hoe but your pussy say no

I don’t know what penetration feels like. I’m 24 years old, have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about four years and I have a sexual dysfunction: Vaginismus. This means that I cannot insert anything in my vagina because then even my pinkie finger feels like a shard.

“It’s hardly surprising that a penis cannot enter!”

The first time I noticed that I have a problem “down there” was when I attempted to have sex for the first time with my then boyfriend at that time. Of course, it wasn’t that smooth but I wanted it. I was ready. My vagina was not. Every time we tried penetration it hurt so bad. I had read before that the first time is supposed to hurt. But how could it be so bad, I wondered. The pain was so intense that penetration remained impossible. Maybe thesethat are just initial difficulties and too much nervousness I thought back then. But after the next few tries also failed I went to my gynecologist. And oh lord I was so embarrassed.

When I sat on that horrible chair the doctor told me, “Well with so much tension that you hold I cannot examine you. And iit’s hardly surprising that a penis cannot enter”. Her recommendation?: Try a mini tampon and lots of lube.

Thanks for nothing.Thanks. For. Nothing.

My InternetGoogle-Diagnosis

The internet is the first thing that told me that That my “problem down there” has a name is something the internet told me. I googled the symptoms and saw the term “vaginismus”. According to Wikipedia “an unwanted spasm or tension of the pelvic floor and the outer third of the vaginal muscle which makes the vaginal entrance seem closed”. It can occur as secondary vaginismus which means that a particular, and oftentimes traumatic, event caused it while pain-free penetration was possible in the past before this event. Or, it can beoccur primary which means it has always been there and penetration is oftentimes impossible. 

Yep, that’s me! An estimated 15% of people with vaginas are somehow affected by some form of vaginismus during their lifetime. I found a few articles and even vBuzzfeed-Videos. I adored the women who talked openly about their vaginismus.

If one more doctor tells me to use more lube I’ll have to throw a speculum at him

It took a whileanother while until I found a specialist in my region. He confirmed my selfGoogle-diagnosis: primary vaginismus. He advised me to get some numbing lube and a balloon-thingy that usually pregnant people use to get the vagina used to stretchingstretch before giving birth. Nice try. At that time I couldn’t even insert a mini-tampon and this thingballoon-thingy was enormous! What really helped me was something no medical provider told me, but what other people who have vaginismus and shared in a Facebook group.shared their experiences in a Facebook group.

My pain memory and me

By now I did physical therapy where I learned to somehow relax mythe pelvic floor. Like what pregnant people do, but the other way around. My physical therapist told me that maybe seeing a psychosexual therapist would be a good idea. Up until then, I thought that was not an optionnothing for me because the “specialist” told me it wasthis is only useful for people who had beenwere traumatized. But it was useful for me.

I learned that there is not a single cause for my vaginismus but many pieces to thelots of parts of a puzzle: the fear of an unwanted pregnancy, a painful first examination at the gynecologist which wasgot anchored in my pain memory. In therapy, I can work through the impacts vaginismus has on my self-image and my libido. That feels good. Together with the physical therapy and my new set of dilators I made quite a few  steps forward. What are dilators? You might wonder. I’m glad you asked.

Small dildos

Dilators are like dildos that come in a set of different sizes. And yYou use them to practice pain-free penetration. The smallest ishas the size of a finger and the biggest ishas the size of an average penis. The controlled inserting of dilators feels neutral or a little uncomfortable, but should never be painful. This allows new experiences to slowly replacedelete the bad experiences from the pain memory. If dilating is successful the body will delete the connection between penetration and pain. When the biggest size is reached one can use a bigger dildo and then try to have penetrative sex or visit the gynecologistgynaecologist for a full exam. Often,Because these can be painful or even impossible which is also my main reason for wanting toto overcome vaginismus.

You are not a burden

My current boyfriend and I found many ways to have sex. But still, I oftentimes felt and still sometimes feel like a burden. I’m a cis-woman in a heterosexual relationship and I cannot do what the majority of people consider to be the main part of hetero-sex. Well Tthat’s a downer at first. But it doesn’t have to be. Every person brings emotional baggage into a relationship. tThat might be less obvious than something like vaginismus but it still requires emotional laborlabour on both sides and can also be limiting. Besides that, people with vaginismus can ask themselves “wWould I leave my partner if he had erectile dysfunction?” I came to the conclusion that I would not love him less. Of course you have to invest more in a relationship. But that’s worth it.

Under pressure? Please don’t!

My boyfriend doesn’t put pressure on me to please just hurry up and get over this shit. If he would do so we wouldn’t be together anymore. Pressure actually worsens vaginismus because it puts your body under even more stress when whatwhile you really need is to lessen the tension in your body. A lot of people affected bymy vaginismus think that they have to endure pressure and bad or even toxic behaviour of their partner because they stay with them despite the vaginismus. I get where that’s coming from but for the reasons I explained above I want to call bullshit.

People with sexual dysfunctions are the better lovers

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years now and as you read this you might wonder “How does he endure that so long?” My therapist once said this beautiful sentence: People with sexual dysfunctions are the better lovers. That’s because they are forced to communicate their limits like “pPenetration is not possible for me” which leads them to also communicate their desires “l like when you go down on me and after that, we could have some outercourse fun.” Without penetration, people can still enjoy themselves a lot.

If you also have vaginismus or want to know more about it visit my Instagram @vaginismus.hilfe.