1-800-DateMe

I’ve met 6 guys through Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge over the past couple weeks. Every date has made for a good story, and I would only classify a couple as “bad.” When the guy is cute and I enjoy the date, I’ll usually invite him back to my place. We’ll talk for a little bit, we’ll have sex, and usually I can get them to leave afterwards. Every hookup has been different, but I would only consider one of them as really good (which made up for the pretty bad ones).

I was in a serious, long distance relationship for just over a year. That was my first real relationship; my first time saying I love you and meaning it, my first time trying and failing to show another person that I care about them. Once arguing took up progressively more time of FaceTime sessions and I began to feel unsure about myself in the relationship, I realized that it was no longer something that was right for me. It was terrifying to step away from something that I had invested so much in, but I am confident that it was the right thing to do.

Since ending the relationship, coupled with no longer being in college, I started using dating apps because that’s the current expectation if you are looking to meet somebody. In college, dating is fairly accessible just because of the proximity to friends of friends and people of the same age with a shared education level. However, when out of college you have to search a little harder to find the right demographic, at least that was the case before dating apps became so popular. Meeting someone online used to be this embarrassing thing, but now it’s the norm. My biggest concern about getting back out there is feeling so unfamiliar with “acceptable” conduct when it comes to using these apps.

This whole modern dating scene is hard, but not in the ways I was expecting. Meeting people is easy; you have access to thousands of people who fit the criteria of your choosing in the palm of your hand. Making conversation is easy; people don’t get tired of talking about themselves (though some are better at this than others). Having sex is easy; at least this is true if you’re a person with a high sex drive. But having good sex is hard; I wish I knew why.

Like a good proportion of people on these apps, I’m not really looking for a whole lot more than casual sex because I just got out of something serious. Is good casual sex too much to ask for? This seems to be few and far between, but orgasms shouldn’t be a steep request. Sometimes I feel like that may be an unreasonable request, given that it is arguably more difficult for women to finish as compared to men (but I can only speak to my experience as a cis female heterosexual). However, if I am putting in the work to satisfy someone else, I deserve that same respect. I don’t think finishing is too much to ask for.

I did get lucky on Thursday night when I happened upon the best sex of my life (thanks Bumble). But alas, it wasn’t with the guy from Wednesday who I had an amazing emotional connection with; he could hardly get hard.

I prefer to have sex on the first date. If I like the guy, why would I wait to find out if I also like the sex? I get a shameful sort of pride knowing how easy it is to ask someone back to my place and sleep with them; sometimes I feel uneasy knowing that I just want sex without commitment, but it feels good to be wanted. This is usually followed by the disappointment of bad sex and then confusion about how to proceed with the naked man lying next to me.

My experience so far with dating apps has brought up several questions that I’m still sorting through emotionally. How much of a chance do I give those bad first hookups? What if it was my fault, or what if they were just nervous? If I’m not in it for anything serious, do I owe somebody I just met multiple chances to leave me satisfied in the bedroom?

I feel bad for not feeling very bad if I don’t text a guy back after sleeping with him. This probably comes from my experience as a college freshman/sophomore when I would expect more from a hookup than just sex. I was always too optimistic about something casual turning into something serious. But I have a better understanding of the other side now. What do we owe our first dates? I don’t think feeling bad is reason enough to text someone back if you aren’t interested. Is it worse to be courteous and lead someone on or ghost them? I used to thinking ghosting was the worst, but have used the strategy a few times now and think it’s ok after one date. For those who argue honesty is the best policy, how do you tell someone sorry, you’re just bad in bed ?

I plan to keep going on dates, at least until I get tired of them. When you feel like you have nothing to lose, dating can be pretty low stress. At least I am meeting some interesting people, even if it is just for a couple beers. Now that I have some real relationship experience, I want to enjoy time by myself and gain experience in the post-college dating world. I learned a lot about myself in my relationship, and I expect to learn different things about myself from dating. The ultimate goal is to be in a healthy relationship in the future, and while I don’t expect to meet my soulmate through these apps, I think I’ll be more prepared for a relationship after a few more swipes.