A Guide to Friendship Break-Ups
There’s nothing like waking up to a breakup text.
Through sleep-blurred eyes, I started reading an acknowledgement of time well spent that quickly devolved into accusations, insults, and the claim that the sender knew me better than I knew myself.
It was one of the most intense break-up messages I’d ever received. The kicker was that it wasn’t even from the person I’d been dating for a year; it was from a friend I’d known for less than 8 months.
Most media and pop-culture focus on dealing with the end of monogamous sexual relationships, and there are plenty of articles that breakdown these breakups. The ending of a friendship, on the other hand, is much less examined, even though these relationships have a great deal of importance in our lives.
We prize romantic love (especially that between cis/het/white people) above any and all other forms of intimacy and assume that it’s exclusive to only one kind of relationship. But we also share similar forms of closeness with friends in ways that are just as significant. While being single can be lonely, lacking friends presents a different kind of romantic isolation. In Communion: The Female Search For Love, bell hooks argues that a romantic friendship’s “reason for being is not to replace marriage but to open the possibility of sustained, committed true love existing among friends.” Friendship offers an opportunity for growth, intimacy, love, and heartbreak.
We constantly form significant relationships and friendships with other people, and it hurts (a lot!) when they go wrong. Many of us may struggle to navigate these endings. So here’s a quick guide on how to deal with a friendship break-up:
1. Read The Writing On The Wall
If trusted people in your life are telling you that something doesn’t seem right, listen to them. Weeks before receiving that breakup text, I’d described the behavior of this friend to my cousin, and she said point-blank that their behavior did not reflect that of a real friend.
Separately, I’d raised the issue with my SO, and although he didn’t want to “Be that person who shit talks your partner’s friends”, his response had been similar; he didn’t think they treated me particularly well.
From what they expressed in the message, they’d had similar thoughts about me. We weren’t compatible, weren’t communicating, and ignored obvious signs.
Usually, the problems that lead to blow-ups and break-ups are not random, and if the people around you (or your own intuition) are saying something doesn’t feel right, it’s time to pay attention.
2. Figure Out What Good Friendship Feels Like
How do you know when a friendship isn't right? Try hanging out or chatting with longer-term, more trusted friends. What is it about your relationships with these people that works? What makes you feel comfortable? Figure out what good friendship feels like, even if you can’t put it into words-then use that metric to figure out who’s giving you good energy, and who’s draining you.
3. Set Your Boundaries
In romantic relationships, boundaries are a huge part of the conversation. How often do you want to see each other? What are you open to sexually? When is it okay to say “I love you”?
Try to be just as clear in setting boundaries with friends as you would with romantic interests. Recognize that although some boundary crossing (like sexual assault) is never okay, some things have to be expressed directly if you want them to be respected.
One of my struggles was not telling this friend that I disliked when they spoke negatively about my romantic partner and told me I would be better off dating xyz-types. As a survivor, I am sensitive to the idea of people trying to dictate my sexual or romantic choices, even when it’s well-intentioned or a joke. But because I didn’t express that clearly, how could they know how personally I was taking it?
4. Try To Communicate Issues Early On
The root issue we had, as is the case of many other relationships, was that neither of us expressed what we were actually feeling directly, and as a result, other people got to set the story for us. What could have been a difficult but open conversation turned into he-said/she-said/they-said drama.
Communication is hard, especially if you’ve had negative experiences in the past or try to please people by avoiding hard truths. But not being open with where you’re at or what’s going on is the opposite of what friendships are about, and is unfair to everyone involved. Something I would recommend is establishing regular check-ins. It doesn’t have to be formal- just grab some coffee and talk about how things are feeling while opening up space for them to do the same.
Talking things out doesn’t mean the end result is different; if you’re incompatible, honesty won’t make things work. But it will save you unnecessary time, effort, and pain. Open dialog is the difference between messy essays in your inbox and a respectful sit-down.
5. Allow Yourself To See the Friendship For What It Was
At the moment, it may feel like all you want to do is either lash out or find ways to fix things. Instead, in the days and weeks that follow try to gain some perspective on what that relationship actually was.
Some friendships just aren’t meant to last forever. Sometimes you’re only in someone’s life for a brief flash of time. Maybe your paths branched and grew apart; maybe you’re both better off with other people. Whatever the case may be, try to understand your own memory of what happened, and use that knowledge to move forward.
One way in which all break-ups are the same is the learning opportunities they offer; someone who once filled space in your life is gone now, and the possibilities of what you could do to fill that gap are endless. Process the pain, heal, and come into your next friendship a better person than you were when you left the last.