Ghosting
I’ve never been good at letting relationships go.
After typical break-ups and failed friendships, I’m consumed by thoughts of why and what I should’ve done differently. Years after the breakup, I’ll occasionally stare at the ceiling or cringe in the shower replaying every detail. It’s worse when relationships end unceremoniously, fade fast, or ends because of ghosting.
Most people know what ghosting means, and many have done it themselves. We recognize the symptoms: gaps between text messages, ignored calls, cold responses, less frequent responses, then nothing. It’s not only an excruciating way to end budding romantic relationships, but also something I’ve experienced in friendships. Ghosting places a new name on an age-old tactic: avoidance. Ghosting allows people to skirt tough conversations.
The times I’ve ghosted were during personal tumult or change. At the time, I assumed they saw the obvious next steps, and it was better to let it happen than have a drawn-out and hurtful conversation. I made an executive decision in a situation that impacts two people, without giving the other person a chance to respond or understand. While in most circumstances I convinced myself I did what was best, in some instances, I know I did what felt simple. I lacked the emotional maturity to accept that I had an obligation to the other person in the relationship. My chest still tightens when I think about the people I probably hurt by choosing the exit that looked most open to me, instead of one that we could’ve walked through together. Not to mention the perfectly salvageable friendships I lost by shutting the other person out.
I convinced myself I didn’t owe anyone an explanation for not wanting to pursue our friendship further. It’s easy when life rapidly changes or becomes overwhelming to shed the people who don’t seem to relate. There’s convenience in life’s transitional moments, where the world, yourself, and other people grant special license for selfishness. That license has an expiration date.
In my experience, that’s the most common justification for dropping friends – they don’t relate, you’ve grown apart, or they’ve changed. Maybe that’s true, and sometimes the circumstances are worse and more harmful and require a sudden shift. But on the whole, there’s a right way to end a relationship, and it’s with a difficult conversation.
Most people don’t enjoy conflict. Like myself, I suspect most people would describe themselves as “conflict averse.” It’s never easy to embrace tension, to hear negative things about yourself whether character flaws or bad behavior, but those moments teach us. My mom, a long-time HR professional, raised me with the words, “Feedback is a gift. And what do you say when you receive a gift (even when it’s not what you would’ve chosen for yourself)? Thank you.”
That doesn’t mean accept everything and anything, but when the opportunity arises to learn about how I’m being perceived, I’ll take it, even if I don’t want to hear it. Among friends, conflict can teach us about boundaries, ourselves, the other person, and about the relationship. When we ghost our friends, we’re teaching them not only about who we are but about how much we value them as other human beings.
Maybe we’re scared of pain, rejection, being wrong, or putting in the hard work to make a relationship last. With the rise of “emotional labor” being co-opted to include all relationships, more people see relationships as transactional and optional. “If you’re not getting exactly what you want and need from this person at all times, leave.” Or worse, “If this person relies on you in any way, leave them.” There’s an assumption there that I fundamentally disagree with – that we should be allowed to take as much as we want from someone when it’s convenient, while also deciding to give very little, or nothing, in return.
Esther Perel observed that trend, noting a decline of empathy in our society that enables us to behave in relationships with no sense of accountability. In a blog post, Perel also said that the art of conversation provides for better relationships:
"In an age of self-surveillance, of measuring oneself’s likeability based on ‘likes’ and one’s network based on how many “connections” they have on LinkedIn, the collapse of simple but depthful conversation was almost bound to happen...When we stop being so focused on having to shine, we can see the shimmering lights of others and engage in a real give and take."
In order to preserve and nurture relationships to withstand inevitable tension, we should accept what we already know: actions have consequences. We decide what the consequences are when we decide how to handle our relationships. Realistically, ghosting doesn’t leave any crack in the door. There’s a person on the other side, who, according to research conducted long before “ghosting” earned its name, will only be more hurt, frustrated, and angry about being ostracized. True friendships deserve a chance for forgiveness, something that will never happen in any meaningful way without tough conversations.
Nearly our entire world revolves around love and money. If you’re really listening, you know which of those matter. As Tom Waits sings in Take it With Me, “all that you’ve loved is all that you own.” Platonic love is important and satiating, and when a friendship dissipates, it’s not replicable or replaceable; It’s a single dynamic that existed between two people, maybe only meant for a reason or a season, but gone forever. It’s up to us to decide how those endings happen, and if those people deserve silent abandonment or communication. All relationships are different except that they all include occasional conflicts. There’s always the option to have that difficult conversation. We might not know how it ends, but I think it’s worth having.